One thing I find myself doing far too often is “creeping”. I love looking at people’s pictures on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, what have you. I feel like I do it really often, almost to the point of living vicariously through other people’s adventures.
I find myself doing this with other people too. YouTubers who are in cute relationships, an adorable Instagram adventurer, a friend of a friend who is studying abroad. It’s not that I want to live their lives, but more that I feel like I’m not doing much with mine.
Which isn’t exactly true. I go to school out of my home state, I’ve made friends from all over the country, I’ve explored my new city, found places I feel at home. But that doesn’t cure this need for exploration. So, I find myself creeping on other people’s explorations.
I’ve done this a lot over the years, from Facebook-stalking my high school crush, to finding out what other movies that actor has been in. I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert at finding out things via social media.
But I feel like there is a point where interest ends and longing begins. I do long for some kind of adventure, some kind of change, something magnificent to happen to me. Do I need to go out and get it, or am I content with living quietly behind a computer screen?
Over the past few weeks, one of my friends and I have become somewhat obsessed with this adorable couple on YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter. Of course, I am more obsessed than she is, but nonetheless, we both think they’re absolutely adorable and that their relationship seems to be making them both happy.
It was over the past week that I realized where my problem lies. It is with a dissatisfaction in what I’m doing with my life. I don’t find myself happy spending the weekends locked in my dorm room, or in the library, studying so I can stay at this college that I love so much. This school makes me so happy, but if my grades don’t improve soon, I won’t be able to come back next year.
I’m not happy with how much work I have to put in to remain at a place that makes me happy. Is that messed up? Am I messed up? I don’t know. But I do know that trying to find what I want, and trying to find my happiness isn’t going to be through other people’s adventures.
I’ll have time for my adventures. It will come someday. But for now, I need to figure out what everyone I “creep” on did to increase their happiness. I need to figure out what it is that is going to make me happy.
I’m done living behind a computer screen. I want to keep “creeping” on people, to see their lives and see their happiness. I want to be happy for them, and admire what they’re doing. But I can’t find my personal happiness in their lives anymore.
I don’t know what it is that makes it so hard for me to just get off my butt and get stuff done, but I need to do it. I need to work hard so I can stay at this college. I need to explore what I can right now. If that’s the internet, if that’s the coffee shop, if that’s whatever life is throwing at my right now, I need to explore it.
Because someday, I want to have adventures and pictures worth creeping on.